I am always letting ego get in the way. Seldom do I let ego go. But that’s exactly when time, space and just being flows, when I let ego take a break. That’s what they mean by “Get out of your own way” and “check and leave your ego at the door.”

How is the true artiste or authentic self supposed to bubble up if the ego says, “What will others think?” or “You’re too old for that.” or “You should be paid for it.”

My spirit says, “Let me channel through you.” and “It’s never too late.” and “Do it because you love it.”

My disciplined yet loving self says, “Eat healthy, clean and think before you eat and be grateful and purposeful.” It wants the best for me and has good intentions.

The ego only cares about instant pleasure and doesn’t really care about me or the big picture. It says, “Go ahead – you deserve it because_____.” It tricks me. It’s motives are suspect.

Is it my ego or highest self that wants this or that?

It is valiant to honestly consider who is living me.

Here is a fill in the blank I created in order for you to start thinking before New Year’s.

This year, I want to________.

I want to do it because _______.

I need to first _______.

I want it to _____ and _____ and _____.

I am a _____. I am a ______. I am the ________.

I have always liked ______. Maybe I could _________.

I love _______ and how _________ to others.

Why haven’t I _______? Am I full of ____ or _____?

I am grateful for _______ and (list as much as you want).

I believe _____. That is why I ______. I let others ______.

I thought I would never ______ or always ______ but I ________.

I respect _____.

What did you learn?

So, the whole upstair’s carpet has been yanked out except for the room where the cats are safely tucked into and the room where all the furniture is hanging out. Even our balcony is being used to warehouse our washer and dryer. Yikes!

Once the layers of underlay were lifted, unfortunately, visibly and much to our chagrin, specialists have to be called in and level our entire upstairs with paper, metal lath and cement. Clearly, this is putting a dent in our budget and time span. There is always at least one hiccup that causes a delay and requires more investment, even on HGTV fixer uppers.

Originally, each room was going to be done one at a time. This was perfect for convenience. Now it seems while the crew is trying to fix our very own tower of Pisa plus uneven substructure, the flooring team will rip out and start on the downstairs. In this scenario, there is no where to hide except the sun room where we decided (thankfully) to keep what we had.

Last night I slept in the den with our electric fireplace on. Very cozy. I stayed up late “watching” reality TV as a backdrop but mostly reading decor books, filling my head with more improvements or creative and inventive fixes, till I felt it was time to turn in. Since our master is unusable, my hard working husband slept in a twin bed in V’s room. After a pretty poor evening of what here and there we could call sleep, I have decided to move into the back room where M and J usually stay, just for the evenings till we get our quarters back.

I visit and feed the cats at least twice a day. Eventually, they will have to be moved so we can float a new floor in there too. Good luck to me getting scratchy, easily perturbed and uncooperative Cappucina the cat to a new, protected area where all feline furry friends will be out of harm’s way. One never knows if the front door will be carelessly left open, so I am staying home and canceling everything. Somehow, our empty nest dog, Cindi, sleeps through the sawing, pounding and nail gun noise if I am with her but gets super anxious if I am not around. I need to babysit the pets and reassure them, as they know not what is happening.

It is an interesting remodel, at least our twelfth as a couple if I am counting right and including landscaping projects. Probably if we had a thirteenth, we’d have a nervous breakdown. I forgot everything takes twice as long as everyone tells you and costs twice as much as you budgeted and planned for. We are trying to take it all in stride but instead of wanting our two front teeth for Christmas, we just want to be able to have two new floors. Back in the day, someone came up with the quote,  “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.” We must be Hercules and the Amazon queen.

Priorities become apparent during a remodel. Especially since you have to do one thing before another or you are backtracking and messing up the logical sequence of construction and prior work. We will have patched up walls and ceilings for the holidays, no decor, fresh paint or colored lights because it is what it is and after all  – all that really matters is our chickadees will be home, we will be together and it will all be worth it in the end.

According to famed meditator, writer and Buddhist Stephen Levine, there are three kinds or levels of giving which loosely described are:

1. For other reasons other than expressly from your heart. Duty, expecting something in return, guilt, etc.
2. Sharing what you have that you deem special. Time, food, information, talent, etc..
3. Giving away what you deeply love and care about without any concern for redemption, gratitude or payment.

Next time you decide to be generous, consider your intention.