Y3 – Day 150 – Sunday at my Desk

I recall something I overheard and wanted to share – I am paraphrasing here:

Everything that has shaped us is a gift but a price was paid as well.”

I also ingested tough words about emotions. Like ‘stop running from your feelings’, feel the fear, create space to restore and be at peace again. By not judging, stuffing down or analyzing our uncomfortable states of being, we can tune in and just be with the mucky, sticky, cloudy sensations.

By moving through instead of resisting even the strongest, most intense places of anger, dread and regret, with love, compassion and understanding, we nurture and embrace our whole selves.


Y3 – Day 149 – Weekend Plans

None. I have no weekend plans except to watch the Ducks tonight. I need a blank weekend so I can fill it as needed. Maybe I will garden, maybe I will meditate, maybe I will contemplate my navel, maybe I will create something, maybe I will do absolutely nothing.

I love an empty agenda.

I know I will hang with Cindi, read some fiction and non-fiction and eat. Maybe I will check FB, maybe I will take a long walk, maybe I will lay on the grass and watch the clouds roll by.

It is open season and I do not HAVE to do anything!!! Yea!!!


Y3 – Day 148 – Connecting and Learning

Last year was all about connecting with friends, family, new people, new ideas and extending myself outward then inward. I learned, I studied and I began to teach again.

It seems so far this year has been about loss, grief, strength and unexpected ways I have had the opportunity to be of service. I am grateful to be taken out of my selfish reverie.

In the span of three days, I have heard about human frailty, fear and frustration in different and varying shapes of pain. I have given hope, solution and comfort in the forms of listening, being there, soft spoken words and warm embraces. It helped me get out of self.

I gave exactly what I needed and have been given when in a similar state of mind –  for it is not so important what situations we are in as is the relief we feel, the connection we make, the vulnerability we admit to  – when we find ourselves in the same place of darkness.

I find that the courage it takes to share your woes becomes your wellspring of strength and much comradie can be sustained within suffering.

This I know: When you share your troubles, they are halved. When you share your joy, it is doubled.

“One must really have suffered oneself to help others.” – 
Mother Teresa

Y3 – Day 146 – The Modern

DSC09442I knew just by passing by the sidewalk window that we were going to have an experience.

DSC09445 From the Sculpture/Atrium Garden of MoMA we could see the outdoor seating and through the tall glass into the dining area. Beyond the formal supper seating, where all tables were physically spaced with enough room for conversational privacy, there was a raucous bar with cute cocktail tables. The bar scene was in full swing by the time we left with every stool and table taken. Loud music and laughter was somehow screened off from our table which ended up being the one where you see a waiter, 2nd to the left large window. Attention to detail, waitstaff that pampered and amazing, artistic food awaited us. No one rushed us, everyone treated us like royalty and we spent three solid hours at our table. DSC09446

At each table, a rare, solitary, yellow columbine was placed in a vase.

Y3 – Day 145 – Community Food and Juice

IMG_4042Last meal with the girls in NYC consisted of Tangy Sourdough & Sweet Garlic Confit. Followed by an Asian Salad, a Kale Farro salad for my daughters and a creamy Tomato Soup and mini Goat cheese sandwich for  me.

The restaurant named Community Food and Juice, has rough hewn, reclaimed wood floors and tables. It is in the Columbia neighborhood on Broadway between 116th and 118th St. Most of the menu is organic or local and sustainable. In fact, the food is so fresh, the menu changes to suit the availability of produce and seasons. Even the milk and coffee are local and organic.

For dessert we splurged and enjoyed an espresso creme brûlée, berries with whipped cream and a delectable and humongous Key Lime pie. Here are the before and after pictures.IMG_4043

We thoroughly enjoyed our time together in the Grad’s hood.IMG_4044

Y3 – Day 143 – Back in OC

As most of you know, I am not keen on taking a small capsule into thin air and being transported without my controlling hand on the wheel.

In order to prepare, I found a book a few months ago appropriately named, Flying, Without Fear. I found it at a used bookstore, remembered to bring it with me and didn’t crack it open till we sat down inside the airplane. I read chapters quickly that I thought would help with my personal demons and I learned so much.

It seems there are many anxious people with the same fear of flying. The author is a doctor whose wife had issues with it and in order to help her, he co-created the American Airlines Fear of Flying Program which no longer exists. What I gleaned from the little reading I actually did on the way to NYC helped me on the flight back. I needed to process it.

I am not alone. What I enjoyed about the book was the logic and explanations in response to my crazy thoughts. I realized many people are thinking what I am thinking and it’s not so unique. It took the reader to the actual REAL fear behind the fear. Lots of people either fear getting on board a tiny, enclosed space and feel trapped or they don’t like the loss of control or they hate the take off and landing or are afraid of heights or feel they can’t or might not be able to breathe or like me, they cannot handle the turbulence. And of course, you could have all these neurotic but perfectly allowed thoughts  according to research. I felt like “well, at least that’s not my problem” as I read a few crazy quotes from actual subjects. Unfortunately, I also felt like “wow, I hadn’t thought of that” too and wondered if that would enter and add to my twisted psyche.

As we entered a bumpy stretch, I grabbed my daughter’s arm and I devoured the chapter on turbulence. Reading how to survive while emotionally/physically going through something is like finally reading the manual when your car breaks down in the middle of nowhere.

I processed the explanation of why jets hit turbulence during my stay (on stable ground) and I was better able to handle the almost constant rocky road which awaited me on the one hour longer ride back. The pilot said we would have a smooth ride but he lied. Right over the Great Lakes (just like when we went East) we hit a rough patch and the pilot warned us, nonchalantly. Anytime the pilot gets on the speaker, I listen. When the light comes on to fasten your seat belts, I obey. When the stewards sit down and buckle up, I panic.

I prayed, I imagined people I love smiling at me, I remembered my friend telling me to envision angels holding the plane up and I did what the chapter on turbulence told me to do, I went with the flow and rocked with it, knowing intellectually it was just like bumps on a road except they felt more like side to side not up and down. All the statistics and intellectual reasoning in the world have never helped my primitive fear and abnormal reaction to turbulence. I also learned, like me, some people are embarrassed to be afraid and that adds to the whole mess.

After a total of three craggy moments: over the Great Lakes, over the Rockies and just right before descent, all forewarned by our soft spoken pilot and then reiterated by our “I will not look you in the eye and reassure you” front cabin steward, all was well at the end and once again, I made it back on terra firma.