I just read a ranting and raving entry from my journal on 12/10/20. It was full of anxiety and worry and fear. I had gone down a rabbit hole (what they call doom scrolling now) on Reddit and it scared no – terrorized me. Some red states were trying to overthrow the election and it seemed familiar to me. I felt I was back in a nightmarish memory. The trauma was in my body. I couldn’t quite place the extreme reaction.

Back in 2020, I didn’t realize the marked differences until a friend called and she mentioned how the whole world was going down the tubes and I asked her why? We started talking about politics and I thought we were on the same page about the end of democracy and the unfairness and suddenly after I said something about a civil war looming and a certain somebody inciting violence she said no I don’t think that – I’m talking about the illegitimacy of the election and I said which one? You mean this one? Was she talking about Bush vs. Gore? And after both of us realizing we were living in two different realities it was awkward and we hung up.

In the middle of the night I couldn’t sleep. I felt the unrest and couldn’t console myself. I saw clearly that this was a moment, that we were on a sort of precipice and it felt like the novel 1984 but worse because we also had the Covid crisis. Who would have bought a screenplay of 1984 plus a pandemic thrown in?

Gore would have handled the 9/11 event differently. I believe we would have perhaps asked ourselves why we were attacked. I opine therefore we would not had an Iraq war because that was a farce birthed in machismo and greed. We had no business being there. So many places we arrogantly invaded. And don’t get me started on climate change and how we would have all on this planet been in a better place today.

And then, last night I am reading Violeta by Isabel Allende, always such an historic truth teller with a woman’s story to match. And her description of the political genocide in South America especially of Chile and then seven years of it in Argentina and I realized it was bound to happen again, karmically almost comically right here where I live now.

There’s a total disregard for law and order and rules and civility that would have been unthinkable before. That happened in Argentina in the 70’s too. My family living there had no other choice but to live through the Condor Operation and I was only there for a smidgen of it. I came back to the states and was safe. But now it had followed me here and it is pure satire that time and again my ancestors have had to flee wars, poverty and oppression only to have it all come back to the land of the “free”.

It is unbearable to assume there are no safe harbors or dreams of a better life left. Let’s not let this be repeated and heed it as a warning of how plausible it all actually was.

Back in October of 2018 I wrote about the political climate and how uncovered or leaked stories were vehemently denied or twisted. It needed to be set right.

I wrote how otherwise we would be railroaded and obliterated.

Power and Control are not collaboration and has a toxic masculine bent.

Networking, compromise and sharing are Goddess traits. It’s about love not fear and anger.

Then, and now, more has been revealed and there are undeniable treachorous acts that are being finally brought to light and discussed. And denied, doubled down even. We need consequences or this will happen again and again and worse.

I go on to ask my questions about how to climb out of the quagmire; the anxiety, the hailstorm of lies, the blatant hypocrisy worse than any description in Orwell’s 1984.

Is cancel culture the thought police?

I wondered if I could go on.

I wonder still how to be a force for good? How do I express myself in a positive, productive manner?

I felt assaulted, abused, gaslighted, bullied, harassed, put down and lied to incessantly. My trauma and collapse came back in full force on 1/6/20. I was weeping, on the floor, flash backing to Argentina during the Junta takeover and the “desaparecidos”, anyone who spoke of politics, disappearing. I called my EMDR PTSD specialist within minutes, sobbing.

Now in 2023, after COVID, BLM, 100 year storms, quakes, protests and despair, more school shootings…ARGH!!!!

Another day, another harm, where I trudge through fear to get to the other side, where I breathe and calm myself so my anxiety can leave me for awhile. My therapist has passed away and I am not alone in my hopelessness. Yet, I, alone can ask for light to come into the dark. When Our fate is sealed is there any room for humor, inspiration or expectancy?

I refer you back to the sixties. And before that, WW1, the Spanish Flu and WW2 and the depression. And further back even more…always we have created situations and made choices that were abhorrent. It’s the light workers, the seers, the shamans, the spiritually fit that led us out of the dark. I go there now with confidence. I seek to connect. I want divine, unconditional love to inform, transform and reform me.

I am alive and I see miracles all around me. I give thanks. And So It Is.

Assertiveness with compassion is not the same as aggression with an agenda. It is the intent of boundaries vs. building walls.

Behind every spoken word is a design to manipulate, soothe, persuade, console, liberate or anger. Shall you speak to support or denigrate?

Some people are fueled by anger, blaming, judging and pay homage to an overall cynical, negative discontent. Other people’s energies are sapped by it.

Where lie you?

Forests instead of walls I say!

Authoritarianism ->Projecting strength and DemoniZing enemies and Dismantling institutions<- WARNING!

Although we didn’t quite get a Blue Wave, Washington got splashed on enough to perhaps, just maybe hope, to put a check on this fascist. We need to start calling it what it is. The sooner we do, the better.

In a fit of panic, my mother called me. “Are you watching the news?”

No, I replied, “I am taking the day off from politics and nurturing myself today.” I proceeded to ask her why, though.

As it turns out, Mr. Orange was spewing how he won and how great he is and on and on, I guess, about lies and fear. She said only someone who has lived through dictatorship could understand her angst. I said, “I know.”

We cannot become a version of 1984 or Germany pre- WW2. Or what made my family flee from Argentina. Every one of us came from a torn family, escaping and/or looking for something. We wanted better for our children. Unless, you are a descendant of an indigenous tribe, or forced into slavery, you were given exile here. We must learn from history, philosophy and humanitarian studies. We still need to put up a fight and we still need to call lies out.

Never have I seen such dedication to the country as those who participated and voted for common decency and Statue of Liberty values yesterday.

I am grateful to the press that hammers away at what is starting to look like an unbelievably corrupt and nefarious, dangerous White House and all their power hungry, greedy, nationalistic cronies.

I will continue to honor my ethics and care for myself today in quiet solitude. In order to be of service, we must preserve our ideals and maintain equanimity within.