When I compare myself, my family or my material world with others, I despair.  I either become self – important or feel less than and I want to feel right-sized at all times.

Instead, when I identify with my fellow human beings, I respond with empathy.  From here, I can come from a place of love and compassion and from here; it translates into having more love and compassion towards myself, my family and the world around me.

There are eight books I started or still am reading from last month.

I am almost finished with The Tao of Womanhood by Diane Dreher.  It is such a powerful read that it’s taking me a while to absorb it and I need to be in the mood for serious non-fiction.  The other book I am still digesting is The Law of Divine Compensation by Marianne Williams.  It is profound and spiritual.   A little at a time and properly doled out is best.  Still listening to Sacred Contracts by Caroline Myss, but almost done.

A book I dropped entirely after getting to page 95 is Dorothy L. Sayer’s mystery, Strong Poison, from last month.  I was turned off by the font and size of the type and it was just not my cup of tea. It was droll and not a page turner.

I also bought and am I am immediately returning to Barnes and Nobles, Tragiani’s series with her character, Valentine called Very Valentine and Brava, Valentine.  Awful, just awful.  Trash.  I have no idea how the same person who wrote Rococo (which my  BFF gave me many moons ago and I enjoyed at the time) wrote this garbage or I grew up literately. I am dumfounded.  I have way too much I WANT to read and not enough time left in my life to waste on books that don’t fill me up with something, even if it’s just amusement, written at least half decently.  Tragiani’s book is chock full of similes.  Every paragraph! I couldn’t get past it.

Books I loved and read are The Lavender Cookbook by Sharon Shipley and My Ideal Bookshelf edited by Thessaly La Force and art by Jane Mount.  Thank you, BFF.  I want to dedicate a whole blog day or two for the Ideal Bookshelf.

Haven’t started but will soon… Tangerine Tango edited by Lisa K Winkler on kindle.  It’s a collection of essays, stories and articles by women writers who blog and put together and self published an e-book.  Interesting.

Started Flannery O’Connor’s collection of short stories from 1955 and Nine Stories by J.D.Salinger from 1948.  I am digging the short story format and I can easily read a piece at bedtime, although most of what I read was jarring.    Nonetheless, they are both brilliant studies in the art and craft of word smithing.  I look forward to my night time tales.

I started This Year I Will… by M.J.Ryan, an author I have read and enjoyed before.  She wrote Attitude of Gratitude and Generosity.  I am hoping it will incite me to buckle down and commit to writing a focused something but I keep placing it at the bottom of my pile.

Lastly, I am reading The Slow Down Diet by Marc David.  I listened to his cd collection on Mind, Body and Nutrition and this book recaps his philosophy on the psychology of eating.   He believes we need to focus on having a new relationship with food, eating for pleasure and energy.  He espouses dining with attention to quality and examining how, when and why we eat.

Great month to read something new or on your bookshelf.

It’s a lazy A.M. on the balcony.  Reading the paper, sipping coffee and listening to the birds conversing while the sound of the fountain downstairs in the patio corner sounds like a distant trickle up here, Niagara Falls otherwise when you are in close proximity to it.

The covered awning encloses me and the outdoor space opens me.

The crystal and wrought iron chandeliers command equal attention. They differ in design ascetic yet they both belong here.

The curvy wrought iron chandelier hangs in wispy starkness against the treed background.  It brings a rustic charm with a feminine twist to the scene.

The crystal shabby chic chandelier looms precious.  Its finery a glittering contrast to the natural background of leaf, branch and sky.  It freshens the look with unexpected prisms of refracted light. 

It smells like the sun is rising now and the air is warming, awakening.  As the dew evaporates the scent of earth, renewal and another new day wafts onto my private treetop nest.

Earlier, the air was cool and lighter.  I needed a jacket over my pj’s, a soft, woven blanket wrapped around my legs.  I lingered and drank coffee.  The love of my life read the paper, I wrote in my daily journal.

Then, I just sat there in thought, curled up like a fluffy kitten.  I observed and inhaled the immediate surroundings.  With satisfaction I panned the panorama.  I congratulated myself on the comfort and style of our new furniture.  With pleasant anticipation, I picked up a pencil and the crypto quote puzzle. Pensively, I pondered and tried out a couple of combinations, but to no avail.

Then I remembered that all’s well in my world, if I say so.  It’s ok, if I see it so.  Look beyond the obvious, I tell myself.  Look for the odd placement or a bump in the repeat of the pattern. Aha!  That’s when I cracked the crypto quote:

“Other things may change us, but we start and end with family.” – Anthony Brandt.

How true, I thought.  At least, if you are lucky…

I saw my friend, R, surrounded by family day and night, round the clock, while in hospice at her parent’s home, in her childhood bedroom, a Tinker bell switch plate still in place on her wall.  The moment she passed and for a full eight hours after she passed, her entire family from far and wide milled around her final resting position.  Holding hands, they prayed with tears streaming.  As a farewell, they sang Samoan dirges and Polynesian gospel-like, very pretty and swaying like the wind kind of songs.  I wept when her sister interpreted them for me.  The poetic genius of the lyrics made you long for the heavens.  The pitch and tone made you rejoice.

Unlike others stricken with cancer, her skin was smooth, silken, unbruised, unmarked, glowing and translucent.  Her sturdy body retained its structure.  The novelty was how still she reposed for R was always fidgeting and in motion even in delirium, especially during shavasna (corpse pose) when I taught yoga.

I think of her now, this morning, as my muse, perhaps just for today; her ashes sprinkled over the edge of my balcony.  Her voice clear in my head, pronouncing my name with a lilt, a certain strange accent, like no one else has ever uttered.  “Saceeeelya” she announces lovingly and with familiarity, like she is presenting me to others in a room, a huge smile and an embrace attached.

Chandeliers of iron and crystal.  Perhaps two parts of the brain.  Definitely two different sides and moods inside of me.  Two essential multi – faceted identities exposed in the wilderness of the soul.

Research shows it takes about 18 months to 2 years to adjust to the loss of children no longer living at home. – Kathy Coffman

I won’t be taking them to pre-school, soccer practice or music any more.  In fact, no more elementary, middle or high school back – to – school nights or emergency forms to fill out.  What is a mom to do?

As the moment quickly approaches when your first born child, your only or your last one goes off to college or their own apartment, do you rejoice or do you weep?  Isn’t it a little of both?  Isn’t it a lot of both?  Do you even know how you feel?  This is unchartered territory.  This is life.  How did this come to be so soon?

I have been so stoic all summer, so giddy about getting the house to myself, knowing I will be free of responsibility for the first time since I was about twelve.

And then, your family comes by to say goodbye.  You tell strangers or new acquaintances at a summer bash how this is the last one.  You send in the tuition payment.  You shop at Target or Bed, Bath and Beyond for linens and incidentals. You run into moms you have known, worked, driven and volunteered with since kindergarten.  That’s when it hits me.  In all those moments, in all those circumstances, I am reminded of the present and the past and the future smack dab in the middle of my forehead like a snapping rubber band between my eyes.

It’s like Tevye and his daughters in Fiddler on the Roof – on the one hand, I am proud of my brood – on the other hand, I am scared.  It’s a false sense of security to think because they are under our physical care they are protected.  It’s a warped control issue and an illusion that somehow I could ever play God.

Being together, being here, makes it all better. Whatever the better needs to be or is.  Doesn’t’ it?

Every minute, every fun event or daily routine act is being embedded like a photograph, captured in my memory.  I know they come back, but THE day they move out is still a momentous occasion and it IS happening!

Will I be able to hug, to catch the nuance in their voice or know if they are safe when I am not there? I probably will not and certainly it is less possible with physical distance and miles apart.

So, I have come to the conclusion, I get to grow up, let go and start a new chapter with the love of my life.  We are still their mommy and daddy.  We will still guide, support, praise and encourage them into adulthood and as long as we live.  We will still worry, miss and ache, too.

We had no idea what we signed up for when we were gifted these little human beings.  And, it never stops.

May this new world, where we have not trudged before, be filled with as much love, newness and growth as our children will experience for themselves, on their own.

After a delicious day of spa/massages with my college bound daughters, we headed out to Canyon Restaurant in Anaheim Hills for the Lunch Tasting Menu.

Watermelon, Mint, Feta and Balsamic Appetizer

We didn’t want sausage or swordfish with our entrees so they were nice enough to serve us plenty and make our dishes’ vegetables star on the plate.  Don’t be shy to ask for a special request.  Most places are happy to oblige and if not, nothing lost by inquiring.

Heirloom Tomato Risotto with grilled japanese eggplant, pesto and pine nuts.

The meal sang with flavor and melted in your mouth.  The texture and taste was a gourmet delicacy.

Farmer’s Market Ratatouille under griddle goat cheese polenta.

I love evenly chopped up roasted summer veggies and who can resist the crunchy crust outside and the soft creamy middle of a cheesy corn cake?

One daughter had the cheeseburger with bacon and fries.  So there’s something for everyone here.

Dessert:Weiser Farm’s Nectarine and Plum Bread Pudding with nectarine ice cream and pecans.

The finale came with Whiskey Caramel sauce but I declined the extra sugary liquid.  I tried to get a picture of the dessert my daughters were sharing with the sauce around it but they attacked and demolished their treat before I knew it and it was too late.  Nonetheless, my sweet delight was moist enough and full of subdued flavor.  The bread pudding square was warm.  The ice cream softened and melded with it well and my absolute favorite addition to everything -crunchy pecans  – lovely!!

I will miss my princesses. Here’s to our Spa Mother/Daughter Lunch Day!

Pump up your workout!  Walk just a little farther or a little higher or a little faster.  Eat clean!

Have an organic boiled egg before your regime …and then after… indulge in a breakfast of 1/2 cup organic oatmeal, add 1/2-3/4 cup organic berries (your choice or a mix), organic cinnamon, organic sugar or stevia and top it all off with 1/4 cup organic french style yogurt like Saint Benoit from Sonoma,CA.