Last time I flew, I wrote down how I felt.  The reality is that in the middle of the turmoil, I always feel like this could be the end.  What I am learning in my class for anxiety ridden  people is that feelings are just feelings and they are not necessarily true. What?  Yup. They are just feelings.  And what may be crazy scary to me – might not be the same for you – but it’s still valid in our own heads.  Fear + Worry =  Anxiety.  Something I didn’t realize. I had anxiety about going to the anxiety class.  The first tool we are given is to breathe.  That’s the first instruction.  I have tons of fear and worry.  I am an anxious person.  I thought maybe I could write through my fear, understand it better.  So when I started to feel scared, I drew out my notebook and pen and started to scribble like crazy. I breathed in and out, long and slow, deliberate breaths and my written words were:

“OMG! TURBULENCE! going through clouds. (Inject the Serenity Prayer here). Blessed be the day for me and mine.  For someone who dislikes travel, I have certainly done a lot of it.  Amazingly. I’m in God’s hands.  No one can take away from me what God wants me to have. (Three pages reflecting on writing).  Geez NOT bumpy like this. Perhaps I should have brought more writing paper.  Starting our descent.  Maybe my best defense to my own fear, my healing comes in the form of expressing myself in words-love, love, love to delve and edit and refine.”

“I drive up to the mountains all the time. Going through these clouds is horrible.  I remember arriving in Tahoe and the plane was all over the place and finally dipped all of a sudden, just dropped into the basin of the airport.  Cabo San Lucas too.  I hear/feel the wheels – oy vey (yiddish for OMG) – another time flying into the storm in NY with lightening. OMG! This is shaking – God help me! I hear my family – all is well. Blessed be the day. Smile. All will be well. I need to remember to have faith. God wants me well. All will be well. I have so much work left to do? don’t I? I imagine. Watch. Live. Write. Share. Give joy.  I am here to give and share in joyful moments with J & M (I was on my way to Seattle).”

” Why didn’t I get something spiritual to read not this dumb National Enquirer? The crypto-quote was fun anyways.  I can write my way through this.  My arm is SHAKING!  No wonder my shoulder hurts. Geez. We have been flying completely in a cloud now for half and hour. Really? Remember the Andes? Flying through snow and between peaks? And I survived that. OMG. Pure cloud and grey and darkish.  No wonder we live in sunny OC.  73% of the time it is sunny. Granted I get tired of it – but this not perceptible darkness is scary.  The cabin has darkness.  We are descending and I still don’t see any land or lights.”

“Ah, finally, the Pacific – cold, dreary Seattle. I see it now – trees look like they have color – why are we tipping to the right? Yes, the trees are very colorful. Snow. I swear snow. Drops off my window, yes, snowflakes on my window. Geez. May God bless us all. My family. Everyone I encounter – an awakening, so beautiful – parks – cone shaped trees – snowflakes – wet – lots of pine trees and colors, yellow brown…….we are about to land……and……touchdown and then the G-FORCE BRAKING!!!!!  The sensation that I will fall out of my seat! It’s so dark and it’s 10:50am. Cloudy. Rainy. Dark. Wet.”

“Thank you G. Thank you.  I have tons of relief and anticipation to see my family.  I didn’t start fearing flying till I was four months pregnant with M – the man I am now going to see today, in his element.”

The return trip was slightly easier but the Serenity Prayer was employed nonetheless  – frequently.  I recall my late friend Leticia.  Her fear was driving on bridges and overpasses.   Like me, she knew she still had to do it.  But her fear was real to her.  She loved to fly.  She didn’t die driving on a bridge or in a plane.  She battled and lost to cancer, even though I don’t know anyone who was more positive, ate healthy every day of her life and had amazing coping skills.  So, you never know.

My friend, P always says, we live between our ears.  It’s a bad neighborhood sometimes. And it is up to me to etch a sketch it clean, shake it all up, and think good, positive thoughts.  Imagine my happy place, breathe.  Substitute scary with life-affirming beliefs.  Breathe.

One of the best gifts (they were all fantastic and thoughtful) I received this Christmas was The Dahlia Bakery Cookbook – Sweetness in Seattle the latest 2012 tome by Tom Douglas. My Seattle connection, aka J and M, were kind enough to lug the volume (with 125 recipes and a bounty of pictures) home for me.

I have over 300 cookbooks and have read them all. From cover to cover.  In fact, I am an incessant and varied reader. I am not fast, but I am extensive and have a wide range of interests, that I take seriously at one time or another and love to delve into deeply.

As you know from past posts, I have been everything from low-carb to gourmet to vegetarian to basic to raw to vegan and the one important belief I have held on to is that it should be organic and of course, delicious.

The Dahlia Bakery Cookbook  is about the sinful.  It is decadent and I am salivating as I write.  The scrumptious prizewinning pecan brownie recipe is here!! Famous “Nora Ephron” peanut butter sandwich cookies!  English muffin sammies filled with savory fixings, sweet notes, tips, photos and a well- written introduction!!!Heaven! Crostatas, cookies, cakes, cupcakes and creams!  Help!

There’s a recipe from the book I will be adapting because I am thinking of bringing it to our annual New Year’s Eve soiree at my sister’s. We can all start watching our waistlines the next day.  The original recipe calls for the addition of bananas but not everyone likes them so it is suggested I omit them.  It also calls for homemade pralines but I will use my gift of roasted sugared pecans from Seattle.  Pralines/pecans can be purchased at Trader Jo’s most of the year. This Maple Cream Pie calls for a pre-baked pecan pastry shell filled with Maple Pastry Cream and then topped with more fresh cream and sprinkled with Caramelized Pecans.

Undoubtedly my daughter the baker/chef will try a few of these recipes while she is home from college.  I guess I need to wait till after she leaves to detox.

I hope everyone’s Holidays were happy and drama free.

Presents and giving and expectations abound at this time of year.  I had some memorable moments and some memorable gifts.  The moments were free and the gifts were some of the least expensive.  It was the thought, the time and the care put into the event or item that mattered.

Examples:

The time and effort all significant others put into celebrating with our family, gift-exchanging and general conviviality.

The time and effort my mother-in-law spent preparing, decorating and feeding us on Christmas Eve.

The time and effort my mom spent knitting scarves for my two kids who live in cold weather climates, now.

The time and effort everyone made to get along with everyone else.

The time and effort it took V to make all the dishes and prepare all the platters with mindful attention to detail and thoughtful expression on Christmas Day. It was remarkable.

The time and effort E spent picking out a special gift for me and taking her sister and brother everywhere, whenever.

The time and effort J spent picking out special presents for all of us and how she takes care of M, my son. 

The time and effort M spent taking a walk with me, making special time just for his mom.  His coming to visit us with J.

The time and effort my husband spends every day working without complaint, thirteen hours a day, sometimes six days a week, so we can live comfortably – and the little plastic CA license plate he placed in my stocking that says I am loved which means so much to me.

I could ramble on how grateful I am for this wonderful Christmas! I loved my writer’s box filled with tools, notebooks and reference books.  I loved the art and mirrored tray and rose quartz. I loved my Seattle gift bag full of goodies.  I loved my animal print loungewear, my animal print shoes and especially  – the picture my mom gave me of all three of my kids when they were 6, 3 and 7 months. I loved all my gifts.  But the best was having us all home together, at the same time.  Now, 22, 19 and 17.

What were your favorite gifts?  Were there any special moments you deem noteworthy? Was there a present you felt you gave that came from the heart and also took time and effort?

I hope everyone enjoyed what I gifted them too.  The act of giving is therapeutic for me – it seems shameful; it is so rewarding.  May I remember it is the time and effort everyone put into it that I found so significant.  Perhaps that is an outstanding gift in and of itself; time and effort.  

Chef Tom Douglas is the Seattle star restaurateur and put this Northwestern city on the map for destination dining.  Courtesy of my hosts, I was treated to two desserts from his famous Dahlia Bakery, our last stop on the Chocolate Indulgence Walking Tour.  A signature cookie and brownie. Completely and utterly decadent, we strolled for hours, in and out of sweet shops, regaled by stories and the history of cacao.  Cutting edge earphones with volume control provided us all the chance to hear every nuance and question; an educational wealth of information was bestowed upon us as well as a gourmand treat.  See what I mean about my theory that the academics seem to have more value in colder climes?

Every bite, every calorie, every step in the freezing mist that hovered all day was worth it.  We ate an awful amount of sugar related product.  I highly recommend this tour to non-diabetics.  The sugar high alone kept me going for hours and good thing, because we had a musical to watch that evening that my son had also gifted us.  Wicked.

We had gourmet popcorn every which way, a combination of nuts, seeds, marshmallows, caramel, chocolate, etc. at KuKuRuZa.  Freshly made on the premises chocolate gelato and treats at Cupcake Royale, Obama’s favorite salted caramels at Fran’s Chocolates, chocolate tea at the Perennial Tea Room, homemade, thick delicious hot chocolate accompanied by home spun gingered marshmallows and whipped pumpkin flavored cream at The Chocolate Box and (drum roll) White Chocolate Raspberry Cheesecake Tarts at The Confectional, fronting Pike Street Market where we had to ward off passerby’s asking for samples too.  “Sorry, only for us chocolate fanatics!  Cannot spare a single specimen.”  The Chocolate Indulgence tour of Seattle is a banquet of chocolate that pays homage to the coveted cacao bean and was a great kick-off to those 5-10 pounds I put on starting around Halloween!

On yet another outing, we had a lengthy stay at the Quintessential Gourmet Flavored Oils and Vinegar Storefront on the boardwalk boasting huge corner windows and stainless steel bins full of a wide range of delectable oils/vinegars.  Each vat has spouts and you pour the intoxicating liquids into teeny-waxed cups. Bits of bread are prepared on trays.   This was a delightful and filling field trip.  Dipping, saturating and tasting bread from countless combinations was not enough, we poured oils and vinegars and shook them up together and tossed back the mixtures like we were doing shots of tequila, albeit much healthier.

My favorite combination is the Blood Orange Olive Oil with Vanilla Balsamic Vinegar.  Exquisite. I ended up buying a lengthy list of oils and vinegars and having them shipped.

More feasting tales tomorrow…..