After spending the day in wild nature with M, my great friend from way back when who volunteers at the Rancho Santa Ana Botanic Garden in Claremont, I realized I stopped writing. “Writer’s Block,” she said.
This is exactly what I had. And it is the weirdest feeling. It’s the feeling of not wanting to write, not knowing why and not writing, pretty much on purpose, without regret, remorse or even remembering that that is who I am, a self professed writer. It’s like when you are depressed and don’t even realize it. Someone has to care enough to point it out. And thanks to one reader, M, I got it. As I was suggesting she pick up her watercoloring again because she had a unique view (which is soft, gentle yet soulful depictions), it became evident I must have been revealing my own clues to my directionless past few weeks.
I may be other things besides a writer but I felt so unfocused I mentioned it to K the other day when she called to chat on her long commute. “What ever happened to that thing you were working on?” she asked, nonchalantly. Yea, what did happen? No wonder I feel I am not getting anything done anywhere. But I have a ton to do. “I always fill up my platter with activity when I don’t want to look at something,” she shared. That’s true, I have been willy nilly and accomplishing little because I was having a bit of a tantrum. Writing is a lot of work if you want to do it right and I was tired of the rules and all the advice out there. But what is right? and why can’t I break the rules? and who cares? Look at the election.
And there lies the key.
The answer was always in me.
I am done with feeling I need an Eng. Lit. degree, an Amazon author’s page or a twitter account. I just want to write whatever comes out of my head and it seems M knew exactly where I left off (E’s bday), K wondered where I was at and I myself have been questioning my lack of identity. And it was here all along. My lonesome blog waited for me to pull it together and give it some attention. “Here I am, Here I am!”
I don’t need more things to do, more projects, items, TV shows to watch or lists to accomplish. I have everything I could possibly want and more right here, right now and I couldn’t be more grateful to the Californian natives that reminded me of that today. That is a little nod to M, K, the native plants that spread their branching energy around me, sending me spiritual relief via plant healing today and all the people that volunteer, educate, create, build, water and enjoy 88 acres of entrusted land, thank you. “Wake up!” Remember the Goddess that you are! Remember who you are and why you are here!
M reminded me today about Victor Frankel’s account of his time in the concentration camps during the holocaust and the conclusion that the meaning of life is the meaning you give it, basically. I am simplifying. There is no need to write Gone with the Wind or Harry Potter, I just need to write daily on this blog because obviously, it keeps me sane.