Strict dieting, portion control, eliminating entire groups of foods and timed as well as how many meals led me to binge after each and every bout of severe restriction. ALL of my adult life.

The weighing, measuring and counting triggered what I later learned was disordered eating. When I looked into Eating Disorders Anonymous after a friendly chat with a gen z-er who noticed I wasn’t ordering lunch during a lunch date, I realized my weight and body size meant a lot more to me and how in reality it was unimportant to others who liked or loved me and generally in the scheme of things.

I have used food as a substitute for feeling emotions as well as sabotaging and punishing myself. It was a comfort, a drug and an escape. It was a way to control, manipulate and judge me because as an immature adult I thought I needed that kind of discipline. I had body dysmorphia and loathing. No body shape or size was ever good enough.

Now I use intuitive eating and I have gained weight yet actually I like myself more and I am finding my voice. Because it wasn’t the outer me that had to morph, it was the inner me that had to love and accept herself exactly where she was at.

Journal Prompt: What are your food rules?