While spending hours at the doctor’s office today, waiting, then waiting some more, chatting with my primary doctor about my blood test results, making two orthopedic future appointments for two different parts of my body, getting more x-rays than should be allowed probably in a lifetime and then waiting on line for rash medication – I wondered if I was falling apart or just having “one of those days” ?
If I am degenerating at a quickened pace, I better get at least one book together and maybe published, I pondered. Good thing I have been looking into using Feng Shui for my writing areas. That will surely get me to sit down to write, making writing with a focus a priority. Everyone I know, will finally take my need for quiet and hours of reclusiveness as an earned right because writing will be my job. The declutterd and auspicious spaces on my desk will invite the “chi” to flow. I will only put down the pen, cease tip tapping my painted nails on my laptop keyboard…for a doctor’s appointment.
Seriously though, I just need to take care of myself and maintain what I do have that is working or needs repairs. I need to be grateful, “snap out of it!”, I chided myself.
And then I thought about Grief and how whether it is a positive change, a transformation, or sorrow, you name it – you still go through a bit of grief. If you are at all melodramatic or emotionally pensive, you will have, however brief – blue, cloudy, ‘say farewell to your previous mood’, moments.
I remembered a quote on the local Lumberyard marquee as we whizzed by it on Saturday. “The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post.” – L. Thomas Holcroft – and I thought about how I held on to things, way too long, way too deep, way too analyzed, way too much power given to ‘what ifs’, words said, meanings of words and a constant, fatal guilt I carry around, about all that is wrong in the world, how it’s my fault somehow. How can I fix it? Do I believe I am the only responsible adult around here or am I under the false assumption I am ‘the almighty and powerful Oz’? Where does my ego take me? Right here.
My husband, in passing, said ” It makes no sense and it is a waste of time to try to reason with a crazy person.” – and I thought does he mean me? Am I not a bit insane? “Honey, do you think I am a little Nutty?” Well, I do love my peanut butter, don’t I? I describe something in full detail with my own added commentaries and he says I should do stand-up. Meanwhile, I was being righteous or defensive not comical. Do you remember Erma Bombeck? I loved her written, running memoir of her daily life. She was a clever girl who thought a lot. Funny, too.
In Eva Luna, Allende writes in Elvira’s voice, “You have to fight back. No one tries anything with mad dogs, but tame dogs they kick. Life’s a dogfight.” – and I thought, while thinking strange stuff and talking to myself as I walked to my car, I’m not good with confrontation, I have been tamed long enough and it is time to show you my real self. Yea. You go girl. And then I called some trustworthy people to make sure I was ok and what did they think?
Walter Anderson, the editor of Parade magazine (now defunct), entrepreneur, motivational speaker and inspirational author of tons of books on how to achieve what you really want in life, wrote, “Our lives improve only when we take chances … and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.” Truth be told, sometimes, my head is a big, bad neighborhood to be walking in, gangs of youths spray painting messages in my head and gratefully we are not all insane at the same time.
One of my favorite, strong, contemporary and wise women in the world was quoted as saying, “Our past is a story existing only in our minds. Look, analyze, understand, and forgive. Then, as quickly as possible, chuck it.” Thank you, M. Williamson for reminding me to be just a little more light-hearted and take myself a tad less seriously. I just know she has had times of doubt, grief, worry and insanity because I met and hugged her and she is as human as you and me, albeit an angel.
Hopefully, no one will read this and know how truly strange I am or next time they see me, forget that they know me.
I will know, because clever girls know you are thinking, “She’s out of her mind!”